I have been reading this blog since I read about himin the local section of washingtonpost online:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ericolsen
I don't really know why I read it - maybe it's because it aligns with my thoughts or I feel for the family. I have said this before, but every cancer is different and every person with cancer has a different story to write or journey to take. So, I dont read it thinking this is my story...
One of my favorite movies of all time is Shadowlands. It is the story of C.S Lewis and his American wife. I have loved this movie for years and years and years. Today, I went and read a blog entry and she used one of his quotes. I think what she says is so true. Not only true for me and what we are going through, but true for everyone. When someone in your life gets seriously ill, it does put things in perspective. I think it takes a serious event for others to see and understand that.
C.S. Lewis says in the movie Shadowlands: "We read to know we are not alone" and I think that is fitting in this case.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."
-C.S.Lewis
Today, Eric's life insurance check came in the the mail and I cried with mixture of sadness and awe that a piece of paper could feel so final. I found that quote above today on the internet and I felt that it embodied my thoughts on his cancer diagnosis from the beginning. For three years I wasted time worrying and fearing things that seem so trivial now. Such as paying for medical bills, lost pay, losing his income entirely, and realizing today, five weeks after his death , that I really should have focused even more on staying present . Hugging more, blaming less, feeling grateful for love freely given and spending precious time with Eric should have been goals set from the beginning and not fear gripping every minute of every hour.
Why am I writing all this down? I am not trying to be preachy or get you to feel sorry for me. My only goal , and as the oldest of four I come by this naturally, is for you to read my words , learn from my mistakes and enjoy what you have right this minute. How will I listen to my own words? Who knows, but I'm not going to worry about it....
